So this is what life is like without you?  After the boys leave and begin to live their own lives.  This is what complete silence looks and feels like in this home?

I always imagined we would be empty nesters together.  I never imagined I would be doing it alone.  I imagine I would create new projects, you would finish them.  I would plan adventures and you would come along for the ride.  How is it now I am cutting grass, opening a pool, finishing up projects alone?  Why am I now riding alone?

I don’t like this, and this is only a trial run.  The boys have not left the home for good yet.  They are just away.  Celebrating who you are and what you loved to do in your own quiet time.  Fishing!  Something I never had much patience for.  I dug deep to sit quietly and patiently for a fish to bite.  You, now, you could sit for hours and wait.  One of the many things I loved about you.  So patient you were.

There is something about quiet time.  I can deal with it.  I like it.  There is something about spending time quietly alone to gather your thoughts, reconnect with yourself, or to just rest.  Knowing when you come out of your quiet time there will be someone there for you.  Absolutely priceless.  Complete silence?  Well, it feels dead.  No life moving. It feels uncomfortable.  Lonely.  It feels like my energy has been taken from me without permission.  In reality, you have been taken away from me without my permission.

It will be a year in four days.  A year.  Where has all the time gone?  Our boys, now men.  How did so many years pass by so quickly?  How have I lived without you for a year?  They call me a survivor.  I always get through.  Now I am a widowed survivor?  At times I feel like I will never get through.

It’s not what I want.  I want you back.  I want our life back.  Yes, we struggled.  At times it was hard.  Our life was not perfect.  We just loved.  With you, I always knew everything would be ok.  With your love, I could survive and forgive.  Now I don’t know anymore.  I just sit in a silent house and long for the days of noise, chaos, and movement.  I long for the struggles and the hardships.  I long for you and your love.

Tonight it’s just the silence.

My ship has sailed into the sea.
Soon a wave will take over me.
And I will be returned to dry land.
Given a new place to which I’ll stand.
Where only God and You above.
Will remind me of this special LOVE!

 

Luv, luv,

 

Julie 💙