I know my sorrow scares you and makes you sad. I am sure at times it’s hard to read my posts as you never know what I might write about next. Not knowing if my grief will peek around the corner. It’s ok if you don’t want to look again or read one more time about how sad I am. Sorrow and uncertainty are uncomfortable. Trust me I know. My life has been uncertain and filled with sorrow since April 17th, 2018.
All I can say is until you have loved as deeply as I have and lost as much, it will be hard for you to grasp the depths of my pain. I pray to God you never have to experience this. The loss that is. I would absolutely be on cloud nine if everyone could experience the love John and I had. Not trying to “toot” our own horn, but the world would be a better place if we could all show each other the love and respect John and I showed one another.
I am sure a lot of people think to themselves move on, he is gone, there is nothing you can do to bring him back. Its been a year. How much longer can you mourn? I can tell you grief does not allow you to move on quickly and love, well love can have your heart ripping in half or have it beating in perfect harmony. Loving John was easy (well most of the time). Moving on past the sorrow of losing him is so much easier said than done.
My mind wonders daily about John, the boys, and my future. What will become of this new found title I now have? Widow. I don’t like this title. I don’t like that my boys no longer have a father. I don’t like the sound of an empty house. I don’t like this sorrow. I didn’t ask for any of this, but who does. No one.
There are those who understand. Those who know my journey. Some might have just lost a loved one and others might be further along, but they are living in sorrow. Everyone handles it differently and through my own process, I have learned a lot and continue to do so. I will never to judge one’s journey. It completely belongs to them.
Yes, I am sad. Sad for losing someone I loved. Sad for my boys. For now, my unhappiness at times consumes me, but don’t worry. I’m not. It’s what I must go through. It’s what we all must go through when we lose someone. The best thing we can do is support one another. Pray, lots of prayers. And somehow in all of this sorrow try to find ways to love.
I could choose to give up. Let sorrow take over. But I am not going to. Instead, I am choosing to move through it. I am letting the sorrow move through my thoughts and body and giving myself the time and care I need. I am confident over time the sorrow will move on. I also have complete comfort in knowing God is carrying me. God carries us all! He has my back. God will not let me fall so far life no longer seems worth living. God will continue to put love in front of me on a daily basis and for that I am grateful.