helpmegodHelp me God, Help me was all my son and I heard the entire drive home.  My mom crying out for help seems to be a common theme in her life.  She has her good and bad days.  On her bad days, she cries out to be helped.  It upsets the others who are getting dialysis and it upsets the others in the retirement home she lives in.  Tonight while dropping her off one of the other ladies told her she needed to be quiet, that help was on its way.

Sometimes I wonder if help is really coming.  When is God going to reach out and help her?  Never in my life have I ever met someone who has endured more surgeries and illnesses than my mother, and I have to bet that in my lifetime I never will.  It saddens me that dialysis and dementia has to be added to her very long list.

Trying to get her to the family reunion was nothing short of a huge challenge today, but I have to think there is a message in the stress of it all.  Seeing her brothers and sisters; some of them, maybe for the last time.  Please help me God to understand it, because right now all I am feeling is exhausted, completely stressed out and extremely sad.

I am sad my mom is no longer with us in the mental sense.  I am sad she cries out to be helped.  I am sad she cries out she is in pain.  I am sad she is suffering.  We all are suffering with her, but no one is suffering more than my brothers and I.  Watching her week by week and day by day cry out to be saved, begging us to “Take her home”.

I am constantly asking, is this her way of saying she is tired and ready to leave this world?  Is this her way of saying, “God I can’t take it anymore, please let me go”?  All I see is a very confused, lonely, painful life.  My mother has become someone who is begging to be set free.

I have cried 45 years of tears for her.  I have only known her to be in pain and suffering. I wish I could give her the wings to fly, hell for all of my life, I have wished I could give her the legs to walk.   But I can’t.  All I can do is pray to God to take care of her.   Pray she will find some peace in her moments of sleep.  Pray that someday she will find a place with no more pain.

I often think about the moment she is united with my father again.  It will be such a glorious day.  I picture her WALKING hand and hand with my father; smiling, laughing and remembering what if feels like to be held, to be loved.  What a beautiful time it will be.

Help me God, Help me God is all my mom could say.  Help me God, Help me God is all I feel. Help us God, Help us all God!

Luv, luv,

Julie