Today, it was a water bowl. Bella’s water bowl was empty. Somehow an empty water bowl manages to wipe me out for an entire day. All I could do was stare at the water bowl and imagine John in our kitchen, reaching down to fill it up. He always made sure our dogs had food and water.
I just kept staring at this empty bowl and thinking how empty my life is without him. If he could just walk through the door and fill it up, he could fill my life back up again, and all would be ok.
It completely knocked me out. I climbed back into my bed and slept the entire day until my plan b walked in the door and got me out of bed. He was concerned because he had not heard from me all day. All I could do is fall into his arms and cry about an empty water bowl. The tears would not stop flowing, and because he too was dealt the widow card, he understood. Only someone who carries a widow card understands the empty bowl. I am thankful my plan b understands and allows me to release the tears whenever I need to. I do the same for him.
But I still can’t seem to shake them today or the overwhelming feeling of sadness. Crazy because you never know what is going to make you spin out of control into the abyss of sadness. Right now, I am there, and all I can do is let it happen.
I mostly want to sleep. In hopes, somehow, I will be closer to the one so far away. I close my eyes with hopes I see glimpses of John standing in my dream, smiling back at me. I would love to see him smile at me, call me babe, say my name, pull me into his chest and hug me tight. I would love to feel so not alone.
I know tomorrow brings another day, and I won’t feel this way tomorrow. But for now, the water bowl has been filled. Bella is sleeping next to me. I am spilling out my guts to you and hoping you understand grief if a beautiful crazy kind of love. A love for someone that never stops. It’s a love you want to give but cannot because he is no longer there to fill up the water bowl. It is a love that continues to gather in my heart, makes me feel heavy at times, and when it’s bad like today, it makes it hard to breathe.
When our water bowls are empty we need love to fill them up. I want you to know if you feel empty, sad, or overwhelmed, send me a note. I would love to hear from you and see how I can help you fill up again.