Sometimes in life it can be the little unexpected surprises that will get you through the day.
It has been three weeks today since Johns passing. The boys and I keep waiting for him to walk in the door. Sometimes we catch ourselves looking outside to see if he is sitting under the gazebo in the back yard. Our minds know he is gone, but our hearts ache deeply for his presence. To smell him, to talk with him and wrap our arms around him. He was such a great hugger.
The boys struggle with moments of quiet time or when they dream about him. I struggle with all of it, but mostly when I see my boys upset. I don’t want them to hurt. I want to take the memories of their dads suffering away. I keep reminding them their dad is all around them. He is surrounding them with his love everyday and I encourage them to talk with him just as if he was here with them.
I have been keeping myself busy. Painting, working in the yard, and back to work. Lots of people are reaching out, taking me out to lunch and dinner, offering me their services (ie. Massage and Spiritual Cleansing) and spending time with me. It’s nice and I appreciate all the love and support they are providing me.
I am not always going to have every moment of everyday filled with something and trying to navigate this new normal can be hard. I find the hours between 5-10 seem to be the hardest. Sometimes just wondering around the house trying to figure out what I can do next. I am so glad I have dogs because they are good company and bring me much comfort. What I want most of all is to have the love of my life here with me.
I feel like the boys and I are in this, “I can’t believe he is gone. It’s not real. He will be back” phase. At times feeling completely numb. I have been told this is normal. But part of me wants to feel. Wants to be mad. Wants to scream out to God, “Why? Why would you take him away from me? Why God?
I don’t know I have all those answers yet nor do I completely understand God’s purpose for me, but I know in time, I will. I do know this at my core. No matter how much I have gone through in my life, I was loved. I was loved so deeply and unconditionally by John that it gave me the ability to love others. It gave me the empathy to see the good in people and understand their pain. And if it had not been for John loving me the way he did I don’t think I could confidently say, I am loved. God loves me.
Even though John is gone, I still feel his presence all around me. Almost like he is wrapping his arms around me. The phrase “You will be ok” repeats over and over in my head and I like to think that is him telling me I will be ok.
As people continue to fill up my time, my boys constantly check in with me to make sure I am safe and ok. Even leaving me chocolates for mother day on my bed. I like to think all these little things happening are John’s way of making sure I am fulfilled and to know I am loved.
May God show up in unexpected ways and surprise you with a blessing!