The other night, during a very windy storm, a frog appeared on the outside door handle of our front door. The winds were gusting hard that night, bending trees, blowing around debris and rain. We watched the frog for a while and we were simply amazed the frog wasn’t blown away.
It has been 33 days since John has had any food intake. 33 days. How is that even possible? He has only had water and every now and again a coke or sprite that would never seem to stay down. His weight is down into the 137. He has lost a total of 73 pounds. Hospice says it is amazing he is still walking around. Yes, he still manages to walk around. He does a lot of pacing.
After radiation John started to lose his memory. At first it was small things that probably I only noticed. Over the next three months the memory loss would get worse. Now its as if he is a different person. Just like his body, his mind is no longer his. For a guy who was always pretty quiet until you got him into a conversation, he now has a lot to say. Much of it not making any sense. He rambles and paces a lot. It saddens the boys and me. Every now and then we get a glimpse of who he was, and we wrap smiles around it.
On bad days he often pleads with God to take him. On off days he says that God, he and I are going to take a selfie and on good days he tells me he loves me and will be waiting for me in heaven. Although the hard days are gut wrenching, heartbreaking and sometimes I wonder how I will ever recover from them, I would never give them away or take them back. As any day, good, bad or off, it is another day I have to love him.
If you believe in spirit animals (said to be a guide who appears to offer love, healing, and support during difficult times) then a frog is known to symbolize transition and transformation. The frog is here to support us in times of change. Connecting us to the world of emotions, as well as the process of cleansing, whether it’s physical, emotional, or more spiritual or energetic.
I don’t necessarily believe in spirit animals, but I have no doubt our lives are in transition. John transitioning over to God and the boys and I transforming our new lives into a life without him. I sometimes wonder if these days of no longer being the husband and dad we know him to be are in preparation to live a life without him. Because in those moments of his confusion we tend to focus on loving him and remembering him as he was, not as he is today.