Yesterday began as it has every morning since my Aunt Kathy sent me a daily devotions book called Jesus Calling. The devotion for the 26th started out as I AM LEADING YOU, STEP BY STEP. As I continued to read the two paragraphs, I found myself underlining “When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.” After I finished my reading I placed the book back into its space on the nightstand and went about my day.
John has really been having a hard time. Dropping weight every week. For a guy that loves food, savoring the flavors and romancing each and every bite, he now seems to hate food. Normally weighing in at 210 pounds, he is now weighing 177. Nausea is constant and now thrush is present. We are doing everything we can do to combat it and in time I pray he love food again.
On Monday I was at work and the doctor had requested that I contact him if over the weekend John was still not able to keep food down. The doctor requested we come in and see the nurse practitioner and get fluids. We did just that. While getting ready to receive the fluids two nurses came in and said that we must go to Good Sam for an emergency MRI of John’s brain. The nurse practitioner was concerned about some of the issues John was experiencing and she wanted to make sure the tumors in his brain were not growing.
It was a long four hours at the hospital and John’s least favorite test. But he was a trooper once again and got through it. I brought him home, got him to bed and went off to the pharmacy to pick up more prescriptions. While in route the nurse practitioner called me and told me the scans were good. There are no signs of cancer in the brain anymore. I think I was in shock. I said, “Both spots are gone?” She replied, as far as I can tell yes. He appears to be cancer free in the brain.
When you hear the words cancer free you get really excited. I had to ask one more time, “So no more cancer in the brain?” As far as I can tell she said. Does that change anything, I asked. Unfortunately, not really. The terminal cancer is still growing in the lungs. This is just one last thing you have to worry about for now. Cancer is like a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Twists and turns.
John had mentioned to me and the boys over the weekend he thought the cancer in his brain is what was going to take his life. I have to admit, the way he has been declining, I wondered that myself. So did our boys. Then God steps in and reminds me.
“When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.”
I have been trying to figure out the future since this journey started. What is my furture going to look like? How will it happen? When will it happen? Where will it happen? Will I be prepared? Will John be prepared? All things as husband and wife talk about on a deep level. John is preparing and mourning the life he has. I am preparing for a life I don’t want. I am trying to figure it all out and worrying about everything and everyone. At times getting wrapped up in it all and pushing aside my faith.
The lesson I am learning is that God is in control. God is in control. I must return to God and he will show me the next step forward. It’s time to relax and enjoy the bonus days I have left (thanks Linda).