Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
It has been since November, when John and I went to Texas to visit friends, that I gave an update on John. After returning from our trip John had 10 days of radiation and then recovery. No more doctor appointments for the rest of December and most of January. A much-needed break for all of us.
Radiation was hard. He lost his hair and to this day it hasn’t grown back. Which it ok, I love his bald head. I think everyone else has gotten used to it also. He managed to get through Christmas with some steroid help. Overall since radiation he has felt sick. Constant coughing, hearing issues, upset stomach, vomiting, headaches, the list goes on.
In November we had learned news from the doctor the cancer was shrinking some. Even with that wonderful news, going through radiation took its toll on John. After Christmas he no longer goes out anywhere. He no longer has the energy to do family outings. Most days he does his best to get out of bed, sit on the couch and watch tv. Which is what I find myself doing a lot. Sitting with him whenever I can.
On January 25th the doctor told us the cancer is growing. Words you don’t want to hear. Seemed so soon. It has only been 8 weeks since he has completed chemo. We knew in the beginning that small cell lung cancer was a fast-growing cancer. We also knew it would react well to chemo. It has been devastating to hear the news its growing again. The doctor let us know the next step is immunotherapy. Again, known to shrink cancer and give the patient a better quality of life. John begins immunotherapy this week.
There are no words to describe what we are going through. In my mind I want to write about every thought and feeling that is piercing through my body. When the time comes I find I just don’t have the energy. All I can do is think about John and what I can do for him. There are times I sit with him on the couch and think “this is not real”. He doesn’t have cancer. And then I am suddenly reminded, as his weak body tries to get up from the couch, he has cancer. He continues to cough. It is a sound I am beginning to have a hate love relationship with. The cough reminds me he has cancer and I hate that, but at the same time it lets me know he is still here. I can still hold and laugh with him one more day. I will take all the days God will give me. Good or bad. Happy or Sad. Cough or no cough.
That is how us Metzger’s roll you know. We take the good with the bad. We are survivors. We love each other through the thick and thin. We hold on tight to God and we do our best to give it all over to him. Sometimes it is so hard to let go and let God.
We are doing our best to help each other get through. Our time together is too short. I need more time. I need more time to love him. My boys need more time to be loved by their father. Right now, God, I need, we need the strength of a Lion to give this all over to you.
Help me pray for the strength my family will need. Help me pray for the strength John will need as he begins his immunotherapy and as he continues to have those conversations with God. Pray for me to have the strength of a lion, to take care of the love of my life and my boys, knowing God is with me!