Today has been an emotionally packed day. All the fears and insecurities of my childhood seemed to be welling up inside of me. I am not sure if it is a delayed reaction to John’s accident or just past memories all coming back in replays with my husband, but I have been in tears most of the day.
Since John’s accident on May 9th I have been in overdrive. Taking care of him, answering calls, texts and private messages about John, taking time to talk with everyone who has been gracious enough to bring us food, trying to take care of paperwork, interviewing attorney’s, doctor appointments, website launches, laundry, house work, yard work and whenever possible trying my best to fit in a workout. Just writing this makes me tired.
Yesterday seemed like a pretty good day for John, but then today hit and it’s been a rough go all day long. He is irritable and in tremendous amounts of pain. When you ask him what hurts he tells you his elbow, back, tailbone, legs, feet, and toes. Pretty much his entire body. I can’t begin to imagine his pain. I wish I could take it all away for him.
My pain comes from seeing him in so much agony. My heart aches, wishing there was more I could do and yet feeling like I am not doing enough. This morning I had a complete melt down. As my day begins and ends with helping John, I can’t but help feel trapped. As he apologizes to me that I have to take care of him, I apologize to him for not being as loving as I should be.
I know it’s only been two full weeks, but somewhere deep down inside there is something bubbling up in me and I can’t seem to get it under control today. It’s that little girl who is in the same position once again. Taking care of someone. Bathing, bathroom, lotion on the legs. In some ways, feeling trapped and all alone. Left to take care of someone. My day is controlled by the care of someone else. I know this must sound terrible to the person who doesn’t know my full story. But it is my true raw emotion.
Taking care of my mother was a forced situation. One I had no control over. One I could only escape when I was eighteen. Fourteen plus years of forced care taking. So to say the least, although I know what to do and how to do it, I don’t like to be forced into it. And now for some reason these past memories are welling up inside of me. And I hate that they are present.
As John’s irritability increases, his wanting me to fix everything and his only wanting me to take care of him, the more and more I feel these past emotions. Today I just had to get out of the house. I left him with Johnny and got in my car and just cried. Why God? Why? I don’t know that I can handle this. Things were so good. Why?
The difference between taking care of my mother and John is that I developed hatred and resentment for my mother over 18+ years. It took me years to learn to love her for who she was and forgive her for the past. Understanding her full life story helped me put those painful memories behind me. I have only known how to LOVE John. I loved him more and more each and every day over the past 21 years. His unconditional imperfect LOVE is what got me to a place of healing and forgiveness. So these feelings that have come forth in taking care of him have me in tears.
I know in time, things will get better, but I am scared. Scared on so many levels. At times I wish it was last month when we were working on the kitchen. Looking forward to working in the back yard this summer. I wish it was the morning of May 9th and when he leaned over to hug and kiss me goodbye I would have told him not to go to work today.
I rely heavily on God, my faith, prayers, and the #love of my husband. I do feel broken emotionally and yes John is broken physically, but together we will use our best strengths to put each other back together and look back on this as another part of the story God got us through.