John completed his last round of chemo this month. We had asked in previous appointments if it was ok for him to travel and the doctor told him, “Yes do whatever it is you would like, and we will make you as comfortable as possible”.
After his last chemo we knew he would be rescaned, but we were hoping it would happen when he returned from Texas. The appointment ended up happening two days before we left. Waiting for those results we hard. Finally, the day before we left the nurse called to tell us the cancer in the lymph nodes had shrunk, there was no signs of spreading, and the cancer in his lungs was pretty much the same. Shrinkage is good news!
Texas was a blast. John got to visit with his friends, Sam and Virginia. We ate good food, did a little site seeing, and hung out in the garage. I know that sounds funny to some people, but when they were our neighbors, that’s just what we did all the time. Went up to their cul-de-sac and hung out in their garage. It was just like old times. It was almost as if John didn’t have cancer at all. He seemed energetic and did everything, if not more, than I thought he would.
Saying goodbye was the hardest. Knowing there is the possibility they would never see him again hit his friend Sam very hard. Sam called me the day after we returned home and expressed to me how much he loves his friend and what he means to him. He apologized for breaking down on me and said he had to hold it together for him while he was there, but now that he is gone, he just couldn’t hold back. I understood and find myself in this place a lot. John always smiles when I tell him how much he means to his friends.
After we returned home, John slept for two days. He was tired and worn out. He was glad to be home but felt even better he got to spend time with his friends. Thank you, Virginia and Sam, (Robert too) for showing us such a good time in Texas!
Last Friday they decided to rescan John’s brain before beginning radiation. Today we met with the radiologist. I was praying he would tell us the chemo made the spot on his brain go away and we wouldn’t have to do radiation. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The good news the doctor told us was the spot on his brain has shrunk. The bad news is, they have found a new spot in the front of his brain. The doctor didn’t seem to be concerned about this new spot, but did say even more of reason to get the radiation started.
Radiation will begin the Monday after thanksgiving and will last 10 days (excluding the weekend). After he has completed, he will be rescaned in 3 months, unless something else changes.
These past two months have had me in shutdown mode. We laid John’s dad to rest in October, late October I lost a mentor and friend from melanoma cancer, and another person I know lost his battle with non-smokers small cell lung cancer just last week. Matthew’s battle only lasted 11 months and he fought hard. All three of these people have had some kind of influence on me. Knowing they are no longer with us is heartbreaking. Knowing my husband is in the same fight for his life is also heartbreaking.
I feel so numb at times. Not knowing what to say or do. Not knowing how to act around people. Please forgive me. Typically, I am a very affectionate person. I give hugs all the time. But I feel so out of place doing that. Going out with friends doesn’t feel the same. I don’t know what to say and they don’t know what to ask. I feel lonely when I am with other people. The internal battle going on inside my head and heart has me shut down.
However, I do realize it has a lot to do with not knowing about the future and trusting in the journey. I typically like to be in control (go figure) and plan for the days to come. Right now, I feel as if I have no control over the future. I am doing my best to place all my worries and trust in God and even though I struggle, God has always provided what I needed to get us through another day. Just like he provided John, “Just what he needed”.
Thank you for all your prayers!