The past week and a half have been challenging. John continues to struggle with food. It seems that for every good day there are six bad days. He had many visitors last weekend and friend/co-worker stopped by on Monday. Since then he has been in bed. Energy levels low and appetite pretty much non-existent. For the first time ever, he refused to go to the doctor on Thursday. He just felt terrible and wanted to sleep.
The poring in of support and love has been overwhelming. People have been dropping off or mailing, snacks, food, drinks, and donations. It has been a great help. I can’t thank everyone enough for all they have done, and I know will continue to do. These past few weeks have really shown me I am not alone.
It is very hard to balance work and a spouse with cancer. I can’t begin to tell you how mentally and physically tired I am. Trying to maintain customers without going into details of my struggles. And yet pleading with those who know my story that, “Yes I need work”. I have bills to pay.
At times I just want to sleep. I can feel the weight of the tiredness underneath my eyes, pulling my eyes downward. Sometimes I struggle to keep my eyes open. I try to stay busy with keeping the house clean, doing laundry, going into the office when I can, and meeting new clients. But that is about it. I have no capacity to network right now or go to social events. I don’t even have the energy or want to go out with friends. I mostly want to stay close by, even if it just in the other room. Making sure John has what he needs even if I don’t always get it right.
I wish for the old days when energy wasn’t an issue or cancer didn’t rule our lives. Like Friday night football or going out to dinner as a family. I miss the sounds the dogs made when John arrived home from work or could smell when he was approaching in his truck and would get all excited, looking for him out the window. I miss John’s Sunday morning breakfast. I miss him cooking out on the grill no matter what the weather was like. I miss his laughter and humor. I miss us sinking in thought, no matter the situation. I think what I miss most of all right now is the kiss goodbye each morning as he left for work. Not one day did he ever miss kissing me goodbye.
I know there will be much more I miss. Right now, I am just missing our normal. As I sit in a quiet house. The boys at work or school and John resting. I am thankful for this cushion of calm. This peaceful place that allows me to reflect on how truly blessed I am. How truly blessed to be loved by him.
This cushion of calm where I am thankful for what God has provided me and I can rest in his presence.