Returning the Gift

What a year it has been so far. It didn’t really start off on a good note.  Being let go after only two months on a job, spending most of 2011 without full-time employment and having one of the roughest years at school; I have to tell you I never thought I would get through it all.

Looking back over the past 17 years of my life I have had good times, really good times and some really HARD times.  For John, the kids and I 2011 was the hardest by far.  When doing our taxes this year I couldn’t believe the figures I was seeing.  My curiosity had me digging through old tax files; pulling figures from the past 17 years.  I started writing down our annual income for each year.  What an eye opener this was.

In 2011 John and I made less money than we did when we first got married.  I was in shock.  If that doesn’t put things into perspective for a person, I don’t know what will.  I started looking at the years we did well.  I remember those days.  Those were good vacation years full of lots of memories, years when things didn’t seem so bad.  Our best year was 2006.  I had been at the library a year. I loved my job and John loved his job.  We went to Disney world and Daytona for two weeks that year.  Life was good!

Fast forward to 2012; I am working for a family business I never ever thought in a million years I would ever agree to work for.  I got through another year of school, with good grades I might add.  Volunteered with Matthew Kelly Foundation, The Women’s Connection and will be doing the Butterfly Walk for Cancer Free Kids on Saturday.  I received a service award from my college, passed Algebra and I am going to Ireland.  I really can’t believe it myself!  I am going to Ireland.

At this time last year I didn’t have enough money to even volunteer.  I remember being embarrassed I had to turn people away because I didn’t have enough gas money to get back and forth.  I didn’t take classes for the first time last summer because I couldn’t afford the gas.  The high gas prices didn’t help either.

By no means have I suddenly come into money.  Not even close.  What I can tell I have come into is perspective.  A lot of it!  Money isn’t what gets you though the hard times (although don’t get me wrong it helps).  What gets you through is LOVE, FAMILY and most of all FAITH.

John, the boys and I never lost faith in each other.  We never stopped loving each other and we remained strong as a family.  It was hard at times.  I can remember being so low I wasn’t sure who was going to pick us up.  Somehow God made sure our low days were not on the same day; and with that, John and I took turns picking each other up.  But do you want to know who was the best at picking John and I up?  It was our boys.  I don’t know how they remained so kind and understanding through it all. I know I say it a lot, but I will say it a thousand times…………………………….  God gave me the best gifts life could ever offer when he gave me my boys.

John and the boys encourage me to stay in school and are excited when I do well.  I know they wish they could go to Ireland with me, but are so excited I am accomplishing my dreams.  I believe it encourages them to dream too!

Don’t lose hope, stay strong in the fight, have faith God is there with you, bring love into everything you do and always, always remember “God’s plan is coming together”.

Luv, luv,

Julie

In February 2002 I reached out to the Ohio Adoptee Service searching for my biological mother.  Just 4 years earlier in August 1999 I reached out to the Hamilton County Children Service to do a background check.  HCCS sent me back a letter of non-identifying information.  With this information in hand the Ohio Adoptee Service was able to find my step-brother in Tampa Florida who immediately called my birth mother.  My stepbrother was extremely surprised to be hearing about a step-sister who had died at birth.  Within 24 hours I was sitting on the couch, in a one bedroom apartment, meeting my biological mother for the first time.

My biomom (as my children and I call her) was 41 years old when she gave birth to me.  I am told, in those days, it was considered very old to be giving birth.  After four failed marriages, two older teenage boys, one too many one night stands, and having a child without a father; adoption seemed to be the only option.

Just recently she celebrated her 85^th birthday.  In the past few months she has been spending more and more time in the hospital.  On visits to her apartment the signs of age where all around and my worry for her grew stronger.  I reached out to her only son still alive asking what should be done.  (Her eldest son had passed away four months before we met.)  Sharing my concerns about his mother he responded in his words not mine by saying, “she is way too stubborn, she will die in that apartment”.  Somehow I was not very surprised by his tone and with that we ended the only conversation I have ever had with him.  My step-brother has had opportunities to meet me but choose alcohol instead.

While visiting her this last time in the hospital the doctors and nurses told me she should no longer live alone.  In an awkward moment I acknowledged and agreed with their concern but let them know I was only her biological daughter and really had no authority other than being a friend.

Like bee’s to honey, people swarmed in and suddenly a son who didn’t really seem to care has her moving to Florida.  I would like to think it is because he truly loves his mother and he truly wants to take care of her.  But 10 years of talking with my biomom has me wondering if it has more to do with money than love.  My biomom moved her friend from WA down to ohio, gave her the apartment and signed over her car.  She flew her son in from Florida, pack up and just like as quickly as she came into my life, she has move away.  She is gone.

For 10 years I did my best to call my biomom once a week.  We have spent some holidays together and some summers grilling out.  We never visited with each other as much as we talked with each other.  We never had a mother daughter relationship, as I already had a mother.  But we were friends.  Every week I listened to the same stories over and over.  I listened to how she had two son’s; mostly only talked about the one who is still living.  I heard about her daughter-in-law, step-sisters and grandchildren.  I received some pictures of her past.  I gave her pictures of my present.  I always remained as gentle, kind and forgiving as I could be.  I never asked anything of her other than a picture.  Even on the day she was found I only asked she send me a picture.  She asked that we meet.

She never remembered my birthday and never speaks of me as family.  She thinks my boys are good and from the day she met my husband has been in love with him.  Literly!  Recently saying if she was younger she would marry him.  She has outlived most of her friends and hasn’t been in the same state as her son for 37 years.  She has given all she can to her family, remained stubborn and strong willed.

Yesterday, once again over the phone, I said goodbye!  I wished her well.  She said she would call when she got settled and I am sure she will.  For me it just seems like a final goodbye.  Our calls will be few and far between.  I am not sure I will ever see her again.  My heart tells me I will not.  She is much too old and frail now to come back and will most likely live her final years with her son.

So to you I say Goodbye.  Thank you for the 10 years, phone conversations, making sense of why my oldest son had strawberry blonde hair, giving me a picture of my biological father, making hard decisions and living with them, always saying K-Marxs and Wal-Marks, living a hard life and never giving up, most of all being a friend to a stranger who once was a physical part of you.

Luv, luv,

 Julie

Have you ever been on facebook and click on the application “God wants you to know”?  It always seems to be there building up the numbers of messages each time you choose not to click on it.  One, two, three messages of what God wants you to know each day.

It would be nice if life was that simple.  God giving us instructions via email,  an application on facebook or a phone app.  God texting us telling us exactly what to do each and every day.  An application helping us to become a better person, a better Christian.  I know it would make my life easier.  All the really hard decisions I have to make in life could be a click away. 

Too bad getting the answers to all our questions isn’t that easy.  Too bad we can’t depend on God at the click of a mouse button to make our lives perfect.  I got to give it up to whoever created the “Message from God” application.  It always peek’s my curiosity when I see messages waiting from God.  I fall into the trap of clicking to see what God has to say to me on this day. 

Today God wanted me to know this………..

On this day of your life, Julie, we believe God wants you to know Wealth does not come from your bank account; wealth comes from the depth of your heart.

What you really want is happiness. You might believe that a fat bank account will get you there, but that’s false. Happy people are happy rich or poor, unhappy people are unhappy rich or poor. Money simply masks your real being by giving you activities to occupy your mind. Don’t fool yourself, recession or not, your true wealth comes from your heart and is always only there.

 I know this, “message from God” application.  I have been learning this lesson the hard way over the past 6 years.  And it is not something an application taught me.  My bank account has never been big and unless I win the lottery it will never be.  My heart on the other hand is richer than I could have ever asked for and no dollar amount could ever replace that. 

Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice if one day the “message from God” application said; On this day of your life, Julie, God wants you to know five hundred million dollars has been deposited into your bank account.  You no longer have to worry about feeding your family or keeping a roof over their head.  No more worries.  Now go and make a difference in this world.  

Wow, what a day that would be.  A bank account with money in it.  A bank account that reads positive and not negative.  It would be nice to have a new home or one in better shape in a better neighborhood.  It would be nice to have a new car or go on a family vacation. 

Someday, it would even be nice to receive a direct message from God, but I am not ready to go there yet.  I have a lot left to do in this world with or without money in my bank account.  So right now I will continue to listen for the whispers from God, keep my eyes and ears open to the opportunities he places before me; hoping I am doing all he is guiding me to do. 

And I will most likely still be curious, on occasions, to see “What God wants me to know on this day”

 Luv, luv,

 Julie

A Lilac bush can live for hundreds of years.  They are very aromatic and smell like “Sweet heaven on a perfect Spring day” (not my words, but thought a good description).

Being the only female in my house the chances of smelling something sweet are few and far between.  Over the past week, while the weather has been nice and the window remained open; the aromatic presence of lilac filled my home.

The year my father passed away our friends got together and asked my brothers and I what type of plant, flower or bush would we like to have.  Not having a ‘green thumb’ or really knowing the difference, the only thing I could think of was how good lilacs smelled.

After the funeral our friends presented a lilac bush about 2 ft tall.  With it came a plaque that read “Jerry Wood”.  The plaque has since weathered over the years, but the lilac bush still strands strong.

John and I had removed an old Pine tree planted on the side of the house.  The pine had been around since he was a child.  We decided to complete the fence around to the side of the house; completely fencing in the back yard.  We planted the lilac bush right in front of the newly installed fence in 2003.

Each year the lilac bush grew taller and wider never really producing much aroma.  Every now and then you might get a few good twigs of lilac.  This year the smell is overwhelming.  In a good way!  Sitting in the living room a slight breeze will blow the sweet smell of purple my way.  Even the boys have noticed the smell and that is saying a lot.

So many things happening over the past few months have been reminding me, God is all around us and so is my father.  Today while having Easter Brunch with my mother, brothers and their families I had to smile, because I know if my Dad had been sitting there with us, he too would have been smiling.

My father would have wanted to hold the new baby girl Erin, chased Jonathan around and sat at the table with the teenagers just to hear what they were talking about.  He would have gone through the buffet line until his belly was so full he couldn’t fit anymore in it and then he would have topped it off with something sweet.  He would have talked business with my brothers, but sat close to my mother.  He would have done something goofy and found himself cracking up.

Even though he wasn’t physically with us on Easter, I know he was with us.  He can smile from heaven knowing we were all together celebrating Easter Sunday.  Tonight, I am sure, he will sooth the mind of my mother still on this earth.   Each day I smell the sweet smell of heaven I will be reminded of him.

Luv, Luv, Dad!

Julie

About a year ago I started noticing the sky more.  I found myself constantly looking up into the sky.  Noticing the beautiful blues, fluffy whites and sometimes, at just the right time of day , I would capture a sky full of pink, purple and orange.

The other day on a drive home from football; my youngest son says to me “Mom, look at the sky.  That would be a good picture”.  He was right.  I wasn’t aware my boys noticed how much I noticed the sky.  Really how could they not.  I am always taking pictures.  I thought it sweet he knew how important it was to me.

I like to think in some ways I have learned how to settle down and look at the beauty around me.  A part of me realizes when I started noticing the sky more is when I was most desperately needed to find answers.  Almost as if the clouds would somehow craft an ‘answer in the sky’.

We all look for answers, understanding and hope in any form we can find it.  We are somehow comforted by the seeking and we find relief if the result (only if it is a good result).   It is not too farfetched to think the ‘answer is in the sky’.  Most of us think heaven and God are above.  I like to think heaven and God are all around us.

With the onset of summer heat in early March, I find myself noticing God all around me even more.  I have even caught my hubby noticing things.  The first was the two, very fat, mourning doves.  Two this year, for my hubby and I that is a good sign.  Many cardinals all around are home.   We sat outside, while reading, and listening to the many different birds singing back and forth.  Sounds I had never heard before, or was it I never took the time.  For the past two days, one little white butterfly has been flying all around me.  I can’t say each day it was the same one; regardless, the little white butterfly lets me know my father is still watching over me.  It comforts me!

The smell of fresh cut grass, the neatly trimmed yard, flowers blooming, open windows, cool breezes all remind me of new beginnings.  I am ready to breathe life again, to live again, ready for new beginnings.

Song of Solomon 2:11-13

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹¹ ‘For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. ¹² ‘The flowers have already appeared in the land; the time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. ¹³ ‘The fig tree has ripened its figs, and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance.  Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along!’”

Maybe it’s all a sign of age.  I am getting older and slowing down (if that is possible).  I like to think it’s a sign God is more present in my life than ever before.  God is showing me, in his many splendor ways, heaven is all around us.  God is all around!

Luv, luv,

Julie

The best of friends!

When you spend a lot of time in or around a hospital as a child you tend to never want to be in one as an adult.  I can personally tell you spending time in a hospital drains me mentally and physically, even when I am just visiting.  I account this to the countless days and nights I spent in one as a child with my mother.

Then there is the care giving side.  As a child when you are forced into care giving at such a young age, the care giving seems harden as an adult.  My hubby always tells me I was born to take care of people.  He means no hurt by this statement, but it is a statement that moves through me.  My boys often tell me, when it comes to the tender side of care giving, I am terrible at it.  Again, I know they mean no harm, but it is a true statement.  The tender side is definitely one of John’s best characteristics.

At a very young age I can remember the feeling I had every single time my mother went into the hospital.  It always involved some major surgery and I never knew if she would come out alive.  After each major surgery was the care giving.  Over and over this would happen.

Now as a mother and wife myself, I get to the point.  I make sure whatever is needed is taken care of, but if you are someone who is close to my heart, as my boys are, I don’t show much sympathy.  I am not a doting, ahhh honey it will be ok, don’t you worry about it kind of wife or mother.  Even though my insides are falling apart, the outside of me is like a military sergeant saying, “Suck it up and get over it”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t care.  I care so deeply, it’s almost like a defense mechanism goes off.

Today for the first time in 17 years of marriage I had to take my hubby to the emergency room.  He had been experiencing lower back pain for 3 days and the sergeant side of me was tired of the complaining (I know it sounds terrible).  I told him the night before; if he felt bad in the morning he was going to the hospital.  I also told him he was going to have to tell me first thing in the morning because I had a jam packed day full of work, meetings, tutoring and class.

Sure enough; morning comes, I need to get the boys to school and he is telling me he is still in pain and didn’t sleep at all.  I tell him get ready because we are going to the hospital.  He is irritated and goes back to bed.  I rush the boys to school and I head back home.  I tell him to get up and let’s get going.  Two hours later we are out the door and in the emergency room.

Once I am actually in the hospital I am ok.  I am calm and the sergeant in me begins to soften as it always does.  It’s just the two of us in the room waiting for test results.  He is quiet and I can tell he is scared.  As I bring my chair to the side of the bed I lay my head on the rail and I begin to rub his hand.  He tells me he doesn’t like this place and I understand why.  Not too many good memories in this hospital for him and now here he lies.  By now the sergeant in me is completely gone and I am melting into my hubby.  Absolutely my best friend, my love!  We share the next couple of hours together loving each other and laughing as we always do.  The results come back and everything is fine.  Pain meds and rest are ordered and we head home.

I get him situated, respond to emails and decide to go ahead onto tutoring and school.  Driving in my car I am thinking about the love of my life and my boys.  Wondering how their day was and thanking God nothing is seriously wrong with my hubby.  I am fighting back the tears.  I am exhausted and my mind is a complete mess.  How am I going to get through class?  I take some time between tutoring and class sitting still in the chapel.  I can’t help but make a quick call to make sure my youngest had a good day and to check on John.  “Dad is sleeping and I had a great day”.  Ok I whisper, I have to go.  As I hang up and get ready to go to class, I sign the cross and say to myself, “Thanks God for giving him a good day”

Tired and exhausted, I make my way home.  Bring in the skyline and plump down on the couch.  They boys are tearing through their food and telling me about their day.  John is just sitting back watching the game listening to us chat.  We talk about my class and they give their input.  All charged up from the day it’s hard to get them to go to bed, but I am excited to hear all about it.  Somehow all my exhaustion goes away and we are deep into a great conversation.

At one point my oldest looks at me and says “Yes mom, there are times you get on my nerves, well there are a lot of times (he smiles when he says it), but there has never been a time when I have not been thankful you and Dad are my parents”.  I look over at John sitting on the couch.  He smiles so big at me and I smile back.

Thanks God for giving me such beautiful boys (all three of them)!

Luv, luv,

Julie